We have to be reminded of how we want to live our lives.
I think I've known that before, but I finished listening to Predictably Irrational (Dan Ariely) on the way to my retreat this weekend and one of the last things discussed is a set of slightly disturbing studies on cheating that the author conducted on a bunch of upstanding Ivy League students. The very clear result was these students will cheat, though usually only a little, if given the opportunity. Regardless of the likelihood or impossibility of getting caught, they will cheat a little.
Unless something prompts them to think in a moral way just before beginning the "test". (To prompt moral thought, some were asked to write down as many of the Ten Commandments as they could remember and some were asked to sign a pledge saying they understood this "test" fell under a (nonexistant) "honor code".) If morality was brought breifly to the forefront of their minds before the "test", they did not cheat.
So, I listened to the discussion of this study on my drive and then settled in at my Quaker women's retreat. I've never been to one before and I'll admit that driving up, having dropped off the kids at DiDi and PaPa's house, I was wondering if this was really the best use of my first weekend fully "off" since, I'm pretty sure, March 2007. Maybe I should have checked into a spa or something, instead? I passed a motel and momentarily considered just holing up by myself for 36 hours.
But as I was in the midst of it all, as I sat in an assembly hall listening to amazing women humbly sharing their inspiring spiritual journies, as I sang together with this whole room full of women, waited in silent prayer with this whole room full of women, worshipped in silence and chatter with smaller groups of women, I felt a click in my brain and realized why I was here.
I have to be reminded of how I want to live my life.
Driving home, I started thinking of other activities that remind me of how I want to live my life. And thinking about how, really, all I have to do is step towards these kinds of things as often as I can and the rest might almost take care of itself.
Blogging. I want to be my best self in this space and I also want to be honest. Writing here, I am striving to consider my experience from the point in the moral universe on which I wish to stand. I didn't realize it when I started, but now I can see how much the (nearly) daily practice of blogging has helped keep me from too often losing sight of that point on which I wish to stand.
Choosing what media I give my attention to. You all probably know by now how much I adore the On Being podcast. I also love biographies and several blogs and sometimes parts of the Economist. I try to watch sitcoms that don't feel mean and documentaries that aren't crushingly depressing and movies that put me in a better mood or teach me something or change my mind. I gave up on "the news" a while ago and on Colbert and Jon Stewart more recently (they're funny, but in a way that leaves me kind of empty). When we run out of entertainment, Mr. Right usually flips over to TED Talks and I appreciate it even if they aren't quite the "fun" thing to watch I had in mind for 9:45 on a Tuesday night.
Funerals and weddings. A good funeral will keep me going a lot longer than a trip to the spa. Funerals remind us of how we want to live our lives. Weddings remind us of how we want to love our families, which is kind of a big part of how we want to live our lives.
Spending time with people who are also seeking to live life from the point in the moral universe on which they choose to stand. I think it's often people striving for a point somewhat distant from the point I'm striving for that end up helping me the most.
Muddling through explanations of complicated moral subjects with Mr. Pants. He had a fit this morning because he decided he hated the word "wise". But it's a good word, I said, Wise is nice. "It's a strange word for nice! I don't like it!" Well, it doesn't just mean nice, it means more than that. "I don't like it!" Seriously, how poor a defender of "wise" could I be??? Eventually, his ornery five-year-old self came around for, A person who is wise is always looking around them and thinking about what they're doing and what other people are doing and trying to learn something good from everything they do and everything that happens to them. "But can a bad person be wise?" Well, uh...
The truth is, though, a lot of these things, especially the kind of experience I had this weekend, can be uncomfortable for me, mostly because if they're going to serve their purpose, they're going to make me feel vulnerable. And I realized this weekend that my ego's response to feeling vulnerable is to lash out in cynicism. Spend a weekend talking about spirituality and sharing your feelings? Oh, please! And you CRIED?!! You've got to be kidding me!
But, you know what? I think I've just decided there's no room for cynicism in the kind of life I want to live.
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So, what do you think of this whole idea? Are there moral magnets you try to put yourself in range of more often?
